Thursday, 9 September 2010

A day at a time

I never know, from one day to the next, how I will feel. Heck, I don't know from one hour to the next how I'm going to feel. One day, I am on top of the world. I have energy, I'm full of life and plans and future and I think I'm healed. Next day, back down and getting up in the morning is an effort.

I've spent most of the summer as a zombie but now I am actually staying awake for about seven hours a day, which is a vast improvement. I walk the dog on the forest every morning, no excuses. It's an effort sometimes, but the fresh air and movement must be doing me good.

And I try to write at least a side of foolscap every day. Some days, I do two or three and am still pleased with them twenty four hours later. Other days, I struggle to fill one side and when I read it back it's rubbish. But I AM doing it.

It helps that I have three projects lined up, so I feel them calling to me and that means procrastination makes me feel guilty. One of those projects actually has a deadline, so that should be a help too.

As a Christian, I felt extremely guilty when I entered this depression. Part of me was thinking, "you believe in God, you should trust in Him and not get upset and worried. Give it to Him." It felt like I was somehow letting the side down.

But then I remembered the utter despair Jesus felt in Gethsemane and on the cross and I realised, if He felt the blackness descending, then it was nothing to be ashamed of. And that realisation is one step towards recovery.

I also remind myself daily that this took a long time to hit. There were many factors, over a long period of time, that led me to this place. If it takes you several years to dig a hole, you won't fill it in in one day.


I may not get everything done I would wish to get done each day. But each day, I get a little nearer to being the me I used to be.

I just have to learn patience and take it one day at a time.

1 comment:

Liana Brooks said...


Depression isn't letting the side down, especially clinical depression. It's a part of life for many people. It's not fun, but it's survivable if you treat it with the same attitude as you would a cold, or a flu, or a rapid dog chewing your leg.

You don't ignore those things, do you? You wouldn't shrug them off if they persisted for weeks on end. Depression is just that, another disease that attacks the body. You treat it, you take the prescription given (whether counseling, or service, or medicine), and you get on.

You don't get up an run a marathon the day after a dog bite. And you don't hit full strength the day after depression hits.

You're doing good. You're writing. You're trying. That's the important part. Endure to the end, even when the days are long.

*\o/* <-- Cheerleader for you!!!

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